Alfie: There’s no “f” in shopping!

27 Feb

Oh, if only that were so!

Unfortunately, my wife’s absence in the US of A last week means that not only IS there effin’ shopping to be done but it has, this week, to be done on Sunday rather than Friday. On Sunday the car park gets fuller earlier and there seem to be many more children and trolley-wielding morons about than normal!

And just to make life a little bit more complicated we took my 86 year-old mother-in-law with us!

Incidentally, and this has nothing to do with my intended rant, I must pass on to you a brief conversation that I had with the old dear as we walked into the supermarket . To set the scene, she had been explaining to my good lady about the restaurant meal we’d had on my birthday last week at which she tried Venison for the first time ever.

I told her how I had resisted the temptation, when offered a small piece to try, to state rather loudly “Mmmm, tastes a lot like Horse!”

“I wouldn’t have believed you” she retorted, “I smelt a lot of horse during the war!”


When I stopped laughing I realised I had found a new answer to the old question, “What did you do in the war Daddy?”

“I sniffed horses, son!”

So I resolved to get THAT remark into a posting as soon as possible!

Meanwhile back at our shopping trip to Tesco…..

Yes, “Tesco” – not as you will hear so often from the ignorant, “TESCOS”! I’m not sure whether they are saying it as a plural (more than one Tesco) or with a possessive apostrophe but I believe the singular to be correct. The Peterborough bus that serves the big out of town store I’m referring to says “Tescos” on the front and I have to say I’m not a bit surprised!

Anyway it isn’t the store’s fault what other people call it but they ARE responsible for the mayhem that ensues within – whether they care to admit it or not! So here is a brief list of matters that I would really like Tesco to address:

  1. Sort your bloody shopping trolleys out! There used to be an old joke about them actually being MADE with one sticking, squeaky wheel but the current batch ALL seem to have had a small patch of the hard rubber tyre of one wheel hammered or pared flat to give an unpredictable and uncontrollable lurch to the left (which gets worse as the shopping load increases)!
  2. Make it a requirement for small children not actually riding in the trolley to retain contact with the adult who brought them in at all times – if they’re running about THEY don’t know where they’re going next and I can’t, therefore, guarantee to not run into them (especially because of 1.  above)!
  3. Make using a mobile phone (voice or text) while pushing a trolley a crime with perpetual banishment from the store as the punishment. Ditto stopping in the middle of an aisle to use one for either purpose!
  4. Organise trolley driving tests for all customers (use part of the car park) – I cannot believe that some of the morons with their eyes and minds constantly elsewhere would drive a car the way they drive a shopping trolley! I am FED UP with having to do everyone else in the shop’s thinking for them!
  5. Finally, please instruct your staff NEVER EVER to tell me that something I want is not available because “there’s no demand for it”! Death or serious injury could ensue!

I will be putting some tags on this post to see if I can drum up some support (and maybe get a few more readers). Thank you for listening.


One Response to “Alfie: There’s no “f” in shopping!”

  1. Vincent February 28, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

    Okay: (1) I ALSO often PULL trolleys rather than push – (2) Here, we have Tesco Lotus with NO “s” at the end of Tesco – (3) Cy, you’re RIGHT – while “Tesco’s” may be a colloquial shortening of Tesco’s Supermarket – it should still have that APOSTROPHE and – (4) Horse… I mean Dave – I don’t know what horse-meat tastes like – but I HAD a “venison-burger” in Scotland (I SWEAR I’m not making this up) – and it was DELICIOUS!

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