Alfie: Take 1 grandmother and 1 egg. Teach the former to suck the latter!

13 Mar

I have just spent a joyous weekend with my dear wife decorating our lounge.

I know how to have a good time!

This is about the third or fourth time we have completely redecorated this room in the 17 years we have lived in this house and this is the fourth house we have owned in our almost 31 years of marriage.

In all that time we have tended (the state of the wall plaster permitting) to shun large areas of wallpapering and have opted instead for tasteful and subtle shades of emulsion paint. My daughters call this “any-colour-you-like-as-long-as-it’s-beige syndrome”!

Anyway, such jobs do, after a while, fall into a fairly rigid division of labour. Faith, my good lady, likes doing mass-coverage emulsion paint work but doesn’t like accidentally going over onto other areas (window frames, skirting boards, ceilings etc.) which means I get to do the edges, gloss paintwork and any other “fiddly bits”.

So I’ve been doing that side of things with her since we got our first place together in Norfolk in 1979 and, surprising as it may seem,  I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!

Why is it then that as soon as the decorating supplies box comes in from the garage Faith gets this irresistible urge simultaneously to micro-manage the whole process and treat ME like a total and utter moron into the bargain?

“Don’t shake the gloss paint tin”. (I KNOW!)

“Do the bits of the door that touch the frame first so they have longer to dry”. (I KNOW!!)

“Do the radiators before the central heating comes on”. (I *&$%ing KNOW!!!)

And so on.

I’m sure she means well because in all other areas (except one) she is absolutely lovely all of the time.

Except one?

Indeed. I have, for a long time now, noticed that if I go off on my own in the car for any reason she will tell me to drive safely and…….

“Watch out for all the other idiots”!

OTHER idiots?

What the hell does she mean “other IDIOTS”?

Wherever you put the stress on those two words it comes out bad for me so I think I’ll quietly step aside and let her do all the driving in future! I’ll just sit in the passenger seat and watch out for those idiots!



One Response to “Alfie: Take 1 grandmother and 1 egg. Teach the former to suck the latter!”

  1. Alfie March 14, 2011 at 8:00 am #

    Actually we tend towards the “hint of…” ranges. I think “natural calico” is the current favourite.

    In my opinion Magnolia is something you only use if you’re a builder finishing off a new place or if you’re getting ready to sell up and move on!


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